En kvinde i en rød varmluftballon

En kvinde i en rød varmluftballon indså, hun var faret vild. Hun reducerede højden og så en mand på jorden. Hun gik lidt længere ned og råbte til manden: ”Undskyld, kan du hjælpe mig? Jeg har aftalt et møde med en veninde for en time siden, men jeg ved ikke, hvor jeg befinder mig!” Manden… Læs mere En kvinde i en rød varmluftballon

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Smider du med dem?

Hvorfor smider en blondine med varende når hun er ude at købe ind? – Så falder priserne! Vittigheder

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Lille Ole, du er ved

Lille Ole, du er ved at komme for sent i skole. Skynd dig nu. – Jamen, far, de har åbent hele dagen. Vittigheder

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Ved du hvorfor julem

Ved du hvorfor julemanden altid går og siger: Ho-ho-ho? – Hvem ville ikke gøre det, hvis man kun skulle arbejde 1 dag om året! Vittigheder

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PÅ LEJRSKOLE – Lill

PÅ LEJRSKOLE – Lille Ole dog, hvad står du der og roder i det kemiske toilet for? – Jeg har tabt min jakke derned. – Jamen, du har vel ikke tænkt dig at bruge den, efter den har været dernede? – Nej, men min madpakke ligger i lommen. Vittigheder

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TELEFONEN RINGER HOS

TELEFONEN RINGER HOS POLITIET – Vagthavende. – Enkegrossererinde Byttemoes her. Jeg har mistet en 5-øre. – Jamen, den slags findes jo slet ikke mere. – Nå, så er det nok derfor, jeg ikke kan finde den. Vittigheder

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Kæresteparret er hje

Kæresteparret er hjemme hos hende, der endnu bor hjemme hos sine forældre. Fyren siger på et tidspunkt: – Jeg skal lige låne toilettet. – Det kan du ikke. Mine forældre sover lige ved siden af og de er gået i seng. – Jamen hvad så? – Brug køkkenvasken istedet. Lidt efter stikker fyren hovedet ind… Læs mere Kæresteparret er hje

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h, Robert! stønnede

h, Robert! stønnede en kvinde i fuld narkose. Da hun forlader hospitalet siger lægen: – Hils Robert! Hvortil kvinden svarer: – Gud, kender De vores postbud? Vittigheder

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Jeg kan ikke sove om

Jeg kan ikke sove om natten. – Du skal prøve at se om ikke du kan lade være med at tage dine problemer med i seng. – Jeg ved det, men han vil ikke sove på sofaen. Vittigheder

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Doktor, doktor, jeg

Doktor, doktor, jeg har mistet hukommelsen. – Hvornår begyndte det? – Hvornår begyndte hvad? Vittigheder

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Uffe Ellemann, Poul

Uffe Ellemann, Poul Nyrup og Mogens Lykketoft er omkommet ved et flystyrt. De vågner noget fortumlede og opdager at de er havnet i helvede. Kort efter åbner en dør sig, og den grimmeste kvinde de nogen sinde har set viser sig bag døråbningen. Hun er mindre end en meter høj, lugter som ind i helvede… Læs mere Uffe Ellemann, Poul

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HOS LÆGEN – Doktor,

HOS LÆGEN – Doktor, hvor mange gange har du obduceret døde mennesker? – Forhåbentligt alle de gange, jeg har foretaget obduktioner. Vittigheder

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Konen til manden..

Konen til manden.. – Du praler altid så det er til at brække sig over. Har du nogen sinde gjort noget som du ikke har pralet af bagefter? – Ja, jeg giftede mig med dig. Vittigheder

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MELLEM BLONDINER –

MELLEM BLONDINER – Jeg kan ikke få denne her tændstik til at virke. – Hvorfor ikke? – Det aner jeg ikke, men den virkede fint lige før. Vittigheder

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Hvad er ligheden på

Hvad er ligheden på en Thailandsk pige og et bungeejump? – De koster begge 600kr, og knækker gummiet er du død!!! Vittigheder

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GÅDE: Hvad bliver

GÅDE: Hvad bliver mere og mere vådt, jo længere det tørrer? Et håndklæde. Vittigheder

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Pigen til sin kærest

Pigen til sin kæreste.. Tag min bluse af. Tag min nederdel. Tag min BH af. Tag mine trusser af. Og hvis jeg ser dig i mit tøj igen gider jeg ikke komme sammen med dig mere. Vittigheder

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Lille Hanne til sin

Lille Hanne til sin mor, mens de kører i bil: Mor, skal man tænke for at køre bil? – Ja, min pige. Naturligvis skal man det. – Er det derfor, du kører så langsomt?! Vittigheder

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En bond sidder på en

En bond sidder på en bar og drikker sig pløret. En mand kommer ind og sætter sig ved siden af bonden. – Hvorfor sidder du her på denne smukke dag og drikker ? – Nogle ting kan man bare ikke forklare. – Så hvad skete der, som var så forfærdeligt ? – Ja hvis du… Læs mere En bond sidder på en

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Den gamle jøde står

Den gamle jøde står ved Grædemuren og er helt utrøstelig. Pludselig lyder en stemme fra himlen: – Hvad er du så ked af? – Herre, min eneste søn er gået over til kristendommen. – Det gjorde min søn også i sin tid. Jeg vil råde dig til at skrive et nyt testamente. Vittigheder

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Privacy & Cookie policy
Privacy & Cookies policy
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Privacy Policy

What information do we collect?

We collect information from you when you register on our site or place an order. When ordering or registering on our site, as appropriate, you may be asked to enter your: name, e-mail address or mailing address.

What do we use your information for?

Any of the information we collect from you may be used in one of the following ways: To personalize your experience (your information helps us to better respond to your individual needs) To improve our website (we continually strive to improve our website offerings based on the information and feedback we receive from you) To improve customer service (your information helps us to more effectively respond to your customer service requests and support needs) To process transactions Your information, whether public or private, will not be sold, exchanged, transferred, or given to any other company for any reason whatsoever, without your consent, other than for the express purpose of delivering the purchased product or service requested. To administer a contest, promotion, survey or other site feature To send periodic emails The email address you provide for order processing, will only be used to send you information and updates pertaining to your order.

How do we protect your information?

We implement a variety of security measures to maintain the safety of your personal information when you place an order or enter, submit, or access your personal information. We offer the use of a secure server. All supplied sensitive/credit information is transmitted via Secure Socket Layer (SSL) technology and then encrypted into our Payment gateway providers database only to be accessible by those authorized with special access rights to such systems, and are required to?keep the information confidential. After a transaction, your private information (credit cards, social security numbers, financials, etc.) will not be kept on file for more than 60 days.

Do we use cookies?

Yes (Cookies are small files that a site or its service provider transfers to your computers hard drive through your Web browser (if you allow) that enables the sites or service providers systems to recognize your browser and capture and remember certain information We use cookies to help us remember and process the items in your shopping cart, understand and save your preferences for future visits, keep track of advertisements and compile aggregate data about site traffic and site interaction so that we can offer better site experiences and tools in the future. We may contract with third-party service providers to assist us in better understanding our site visitors. These service providers are not permitted to use the information collected on our behalf except to help us conduct and improve our business. If you prefer, you can choose to have your computer warn you each time a cookie is being sent, or you can choose to turn off all cookies via your browser settings. Like most websites, if you turn your cookies off, some of our services may not function properly. However, you can still place orders by contacting customer service. Google Analytics We use Google Analytics on our sites for anonymous reporting of site usage and for advertising on the site. If you would like to opt-out of Google Analytics monitoring your behaviour on our sites please use this link (https://tools.google.com/dlpage/gaoptout/)

Do we disclose any information to outside parties?

We do not sell, trade, or otherwise transfer to outside parties your personally identifiable information. This does not include trusted third parties who assist us in operating our website, conducting our business, or servicing you, so long as those parties agree to keep this information confidential. We may also release your information when we believe release is appropriate to comply with the law, enforce our site policies, or protect ours or others rights, property, or safety. However, non-personally identifiable visitor information may be provided to other parties for marketing, advertising, or other uses.

Registration

The minimum information we need to register you is your name, email address and a password. We will ask you more questions for different services, including sales promotions. Unless we say otherwise, you have to answer all the registration questions. We may also ask some other, voluntary questions during registration for certain services (for example, professional networks) so we can gain a clearer understanding of who you are. This also allows us to personalise services for you. To assist us in our marketing, in addition to the data that you provide to us if you register, we may also obtain data from trusted third parties to help us understand what you might be interested in. This ‘profiling’ information is produced from a variety of sources, including publicly available data (such as the electoral roll) or from sources such as surveys and polls where you have given your permission for your data to be shared. You can choose not to have such data shared with the Guardian from these sources by logging into your account and changing the settings in the privacy section. After you have registered, and with your permission, we may send you emails we think may interest you. Newsletters may be personalised based on what you have been reading on theguardian.com. At any time you can decide not to receive these emails and will be able to ‘unsubscribe’. Logging in using social networking credentials If you log-in to our sites using a Facebook log-in, you are granting permission to Facebook to share your user details with us. This will include your name, email address, date of birth and location which will then be used to form a Guardian identity. You can also use your picture from Facebook as part of your profile. This will also allow us and Facebook to share your, networks, user ID and any other information you choose to share according to your Facebook account settings. If you remove the Guardian app from your Facebook settings, we will no longer have access to this information. If you log-in to our sites using a Google log-in, you grant permission to Google to share your user details with us. This will include your name, email address, date of birth, sex and location which we will then use to form a Guardian identity. You may use your picture from Google as part of your profile. This also allows us to share your networks, user ID and any other information you choose to share according to your Google account settings. If you remove the Guardian from your Google settings, we will no longer have access to this information. If you log-in to our sites using a twitter log-in, we receive your avatar (the small picture that appears next to your tweets) and twitter username.

Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act Compliance

We are in compliance with the requirements of COPPA (Childrens Online Privacy Protection Act), we do not collect any information from anyone under 13 years of age. Our website, products and services are all directed to people who are at least 13 years old or older.

Updating your personal information

We offer a ‘My details’ page (also known as Dashboard), where you can update your personal information at any time, and change your marketing preferences. You can get to this page from most pages on the site – simply click on the ‘My details’ link at the top of the screen when you are signed in.

Online Privacy Policy Only

This online privacy policy applies only to information collected through our website and not to information collected offline.

Your Consent

By using our site, you consent to our privacy policy.

Changes to our Privacy Policy

If we decide to change our privacy policy, we will post those changes on this page.
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